The customer-service representative from whom I’ve been waiting for a callback for fifty-three hours will call me back one minute before I turn my phone back on.
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Author: Meg Reid
Admissions Tour: Being a Person
In the real world, you can choose your meal plan: vegan, kosher, Sustainable, Totally Unsustainable, What Zendaya Eats in a Day, American Girl Doll food. Just swipe your card.
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Author: Jessica Bacal
Help—I’m a Narrator Stuck in the Calm.com Meditation App!
Sure, rhythmic, pattering rain can help regulate your nervous system, and trigger your autonomous sensory meridian response, but me? I’m wet.
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Author: Erita Chen
America!: Newly Declassified Secrets from the C.I.A.’s Ice-Cream Archives
Orange-creamsicle lovers and a cult of soft-serve radicals, revealed.
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Author: Ali Fitzgerald
Instructions for Pet-Sitting My Dog, Cerberus
It’s just an old habit for him to block the front door. If he’s stationed there, do not order delivery.
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Author: Brandon Follick
Eat the Lotus!
Times editors realized that, unless emergency procedures were initiated, the next day’s edition would contain not a single article about Christopher Nolan’s “The Odyssey”!
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Author: Anthony Lane
A Mostly True History of Marco Rubio
No one knows Marco Rubio’s age. It’s part of his mystery. So is his height. Look it up. No one knows.
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Author: Christopher Gangemi
What My Life Would Be Like If All of Those Spam Texts Were Legit
I’d have dozens of packages shipped to me from USPSS, USP, and FidEx that only require my signature to obtain.
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Author: Natalie Wexler
Shouts & Murmurs by Larry Doyle: Freelance Headlines Stupid Onion Editor Rejected
Married Man Still Able to Drink at Collegiate Level; Sloppy Eater Dog’s New Best Friend; and more.
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Author: Larry Doyle
Memorandum from the National Review Committee for National Day Designations
The Committee continues to recognize National Pizza Day, but denies the petition for a distinct New York-Style Pizza Day.
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Author: Jordan Roter