Speak now, muse, of the ministrations of Damon, friend of Affleck and foe of Kimmel, who bravely grew out his beard for a year.
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Author: Henry Alford
How to Write When You’re Feeling Stuck
If you focus on writing a thousand words a day, you won’t feel overwhelmed by the fact that you’ve been trapped in a submarine for the past year and a half.
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Author: JiJi Lee
Voting Rights, Updated
To run for office in New York, you must play pickleball with the guy they call Zohran the Man and be able to wear a yarmulke, a crucifix, and a rainbow Pride wig simultaneously.
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Author: Paul Rudnick
Practicing Shopping-Cart Meditation
Random things that I somehow convinced myself I desperately need.
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Author: Natalie Waksman
Skarsgård Green-Card Marriages
Each one of our lucky clients will be expertly matched with a Skarsgård sibling, which are indeterminate in number.
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Author: Sarah Hutto
Misophonia Fireworks
Now with even shorter fuses!
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Author: Kyle Bravo
Paul Revere’s Unabridged Instructions
Light twelve lanterns and give yourself a mop-top haircut if it seems like more of a cultural invasion.
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Author: Evan Allgood
America!: Insane Clown Posse Changes Their Name to Pretty Reasonable Clown Posse
The Overton window of bonkersness has shifted so far that songs like “Still Stabbin’ ” sound Sinatra-esque.
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Author: Ali Fitzgerald
My Great Meeting with God
He was very complimentary. People tell me, “Mr. President, you put the fear of God in God.”
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Author: Patricia Marx
Clapback to the Future
PAST: Bodysculpting. PRESENT: Looksmaxxing. FUTURE: Vibeplundering.
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Author: Henry Alford