Man Checks Mirror Before Date To Confirm Consciousness Still Inhabiting Corporeal Form

ATHENS, GA—Nervously inspecting himself to ensure he was indeed made manifest in the flesh, local man Rod Sutherland, 27, checked the mirror before heading out on a date Tuesday to confirm his consciousness was still inhabiting a corporeal form. “Just so I don’t make a bad first impression, I really ought to…

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Bill Gates Calls Epstein’s Number Just To Hear His Voicemail Again

MEDINA, WA—With tears welling in his eyes as he sought out his most treasured reminder of his late friend, business magnate Bill Gates reportedly called Jeffrey Epstein’s number Monday just to hear his voicemail greeting again. “Of course I know he’s gone and he’s not going to pick up, but to hear him say, ‘Hey, it’s…

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