New Pediatric Guidelines Recommend Obese Children Compensate With Personality

ITASCA, IL—In an effort to better mitigate the effects of the chronic disease, the American Academy of Pediatrics issued new guidelines Monday recommending that children affected by obesity compensate with their personality. “Today, there are over 14 million children in the United States suffering from obesity, and…

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Husband Pledges To Stay Sober For 1 Or 2 Weeks While Wife Pregnant

ANN ARBOR, MI—Wanting to provide his wife with the support she needed during this time, father-to-be Trey McCaffrey told reporters Monday that he had pledged to stay sober for one or two weeks while his wife was pregnant. “If my wife isn’t going to drink for nine months, then as a show of solidarity I’m going to…

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Black Man Unaware That Book He’s Reading First Step Toward Eventually Being Assassinated By FBI

PHILADELPHIA—As he thumbed through the pages of a book that caught his eye at a local library, sources reported Monday that area Black man Jaylen Todd was unaware his selection of the title was the first in a series of fateful steps that would end in his assassination by the FBI. “Huh, this seems pretty interesting—I…

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