Texas Launches Outreach Program To Provide Troubled Teens With Assault Rifles

AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to enact meaningful change at the community level, Gov. Greg Abbott announced Friday that Texas had launched an outreach program to provide troubled teens with assault rifles. “Starting today, the State of Texas will work with local leaders to identify students most at-risk of perpetuating…

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Mark Zuckerberg Holds All-Company Meeting To Announce His Metaverse Avatar Is Crying

MENLO PARK, CA—Following a stock plunge that saw $80 billion wiped from the Facebook parent’s market cap, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg held an all-company meeting to announce that his metaverse avatar was crying, sources inside the company reported Friday. “I have with a heavy heart called you all here today to discuss…

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Military Recruiter Tells Teen About Opportunity To Experience Exciting New Medical Conditions

DUNLAP, TN—Running through a few of the many benefits of serving in the Army, U.S. military recruiter Brad Usborne reportedly informed a teen Friday that if he joined he would have the opportunity to experience a great many exciting new medical conditions. “When you enlist, you’ll be able to develop asthma, heart…

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