Man Starting To Suspect Chess Opponent With All Queens Hustling Him

NEW YORK—Questioning whether the other player had misrepresented his skill level, local man Victor Luongo told reporters Tuesday he was starting to suspect his chess opponent with all queens was hustling him. “He insisted when we were laying down money on this game that he wasn’t very good, but we’re only a dozen…

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Kevin McCarthy Claims Lack Of Mental Health Services In Schools Got Him Where He Is Today

WASHINGTON—Explaining why he and nearly every Republican in the House of Representatives had voted against a bill that would increase student access to counseling services, Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy stated Wednesday that a lack of mental healthcare in schools was precisely what got him where he is today. “My…

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Identical Twins Unconcerned After Having Bodies Swapped By Lightning Strike

SEEKONK, MA—After groggily waking up and looking down at their unfamiliar clothes, local identical twins Graham and Greg Lindwood were said to be largely unconcerned Wednesday after having their bodies swapped by a lightning strike. “Wait…but if I’m you…and you’re me…then, oh my God—actually, I guess it’s not really a…

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2022 Nobel Prize Winners

Committees in Norway and Sweden are awarding the Nobel Prizes this week to recognize important contributions by individuals in specific fields. The Onion runs down the list of 2022 Nobel Prize winners.

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