James Corden Breaks Silence On Restaurant Controversy: ‘I Like To Find Stray Dogs And Suffocate Them To Death’

NEW YORK—Addressing an accusation that he was “the most abusive customer” at New York restaurant Balthazar, Late Late Show host James Corden finally broke his silence Friday to confirm that he enjoys finding stray dogs and choking them until they die. “The rush I feel when watching the light leave a poor struggling…

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‘Black Adam’ Last Chance For Something To Go Right In Dwayne Johnson’s Miserable Life

LOS ANGELES—Grasping at straws to break his unending string of embarrassing defeats, sources confirmed Friday that the new DC film Black Adam was the last chance for something to go right in Dwayne Johnson’s miserable fucking life. According to sources, the premiere of the superhero movie served as a last-ditch…

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Pentagon Warns Chinese Landmass Could Break Off And Zoom Across The Ocean To Get Us

ARLINGTON, VA—Stating that America’s top rival on the global stage now had the ability to carry out such an attack, Pentagon officials warned this week that the entirety of China’s landmass could break off and zoom across the ocean to get us. “Advancements in Chinese military technology have reached a point where the…

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