FDA Recalls Thing You Just Ate

SILVER SPRING, MD—Citing recently discovered health hazards associated with the product, the Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday a recall of the thing you just ate. “Due to a concern regarding potential contaminants, the FDA is recalling the piece of food that, mere seconds ago, you placed in your mouth…

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Professor Invites Student Over To House For Private Ethics Violation

SWARTHMORE, PA—Hinting that she would greatly benefit from some one-on-one manipulation, local English literature professor Darren Emerson reportedly invited one of his students over to his house Wednesday for a private ethics violation. “You’re one of my top students, and as such, I’d love to have you over so we can…

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Psychologists Baffled By Iowa Woman Who Posted Thank-You Message To Queen Elizabeth

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Noting that she exhibited no other signs of illness that would indicate a psychotic break, mental health experts told reporters Wednesday they were baffled by local Iowa woman Terri Francis, who last week posted a thank-you message to Queen Elizabeth II on social media. “After studying Terri’s brain…

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Friends So Grateful To Have Morally Perfect Woman Around To Correct Them

BOSTON—Questioning what they would do without her profound guidance, friends of local 33-year-old Taylor Huntsman reportedly expressed deep gratitude Wednesday for having the morally perfect woman around to correct them. “It’s incredible that whenever we falter, even in the slightest, we have Taylor—a person who…

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What To Know About King Charles III

Charles III, the king of the United Kingdom and its 14 other commonwealth realms, acceded to the throne Sept. 8 following the death of his mother, Elizabeth II. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about King Charles III and the expectations of his rule.

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