Underwhelming Fantasy Novel Starts With Map Of Ohio

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Feeling let down to see a straightforward rendering of the Midwestern state, local reader Kyle Nuebart reported Friday that underwhelming fantasy novel Dayton Rising featured a map of Ohio in its opening pages. “There’s no Mount Blightforge or Tower of Azingoth or anything, just a simple overview of…

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Determined Lab Researcher Not Giving Up On Finding Something That Can Be Cured By Drinking Own Urine

DURHAM, NC—Undeterred by the many setbacks in his field of study, determined Duke University clinical researcher Alexander Tremblay told reporters Friday that he was not giving up on finding something that could be cured by drinking one’s own urine. “Thus far, experiments conducted in my lab have shown that migraines,…

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Study Finds Humans First Crossed To New World Using Land Bridge Of Previously Drowned Humans

ITHACA, NY—In a groundbreaking new finding that sheds light on the migration patterns of ancient Homo sapiens, a Cornell University study published Friday revealed that humans first crossed to the New World using a land bridge created from previously drowned humans. “Our research suggests the land bridge used to…

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