Sotheby’s Auctions Off Date With T. Rex Skeleton

NEW YORK—Informing the bustling crowd it was time to bid on the night’s big-ticket item, Sotheby’s officials announced Tuesday the auctioning off of a rare date with a T. rex skeleton. “Up next, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, one fabulous night for two out on the town with this handsome, enchanting—and might…

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Lazy Bird Watcher Would Rather Just Watch Bird He’s Already Seen

PEABODY, MA—Admitting that he just wasn’t feeling that adventurous these days, lazy bird watcher Mark Edgar told reporters Tuesday that he’d rather just watch a bird that he’s already seen. “Sure, I get that I should check out some bird I’ve never seen before, maybe one of those birds everyone is talking about like…

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Uber Eats Adds Feature Letting User Purposely Order Wrong Item So They Can Scream At Driver

SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Finally implementing a prototype that customers have been requesting for years, Uber Eats added a new feature Tuesday that lets users purposely order wrong items so they can scream at delivery drivers. “People need to blow off steam after a long day at the office, and we’ve developed tech that…

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Biden Considers Convening First-Ever Meeting Of His Cabinet

WASHINGTON—Exploring his options for responding to several crises mounting across the country, President Joe Biden told reporters Tuesday that he was seriously considering the prospect of convening the first-ever meeting of his cabinet. “It’s a pretty drastic step, so you don’t want to do something like this unless…

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