What you need is to be a little more selfish and a little less aware.
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Author: Liana Finck
Boyfriend Check!
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Ikea Wardrobe Contains Cheap, Poorly Constructed Fantasy World Inside
BEACON, NY—Expressing disappointment in the enchanted kingdom’s shoddy craftsmanship and design, the children of the local Wentworth family told reporters Friday that the Ikea Klädskåp wardrobe they found in their uncle’s country estate contained a cheap, poorly constructed fantasy world inside. “When we first…
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‘The Onion’ Guide To Tipping
Knowing whether and how much to tip for a service can be confusing, especially for a cheapskate like you. The Onion provides a comprehensive guide to tipping.
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K-Y Introduces New Drowsy Nighttime Lube
PARSIPPANY, NJ—Introducing a variation on the brand’s well-known water-based personal lubricant, officials at K-Y announced Friday that their line of sexual enhancement products would be expanded to include a new drowsy nighttime lubricant. “K-Y P.M. is for those looking to bring a little more intimacy—and sleep—into…
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Half-Lobster Scientist Just Going To Hope Coworkers Don’t Notice He Had Mishap With CRISPR
BERKELEY, CA—Admitting he felt self-conscious following a workplace accident involving the highly experimental gene-editing technology, a local half-lobster scientist told reporters Friday he would just have to hope his coworkers didn’t notice his CRISPR mishap. “The main thing I need to do is make sure I don’t slip…
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Tee Ball Outfielder Buried Up To Chin In Ripped-Out Grass
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Netflix Loses 200,000 Subscribers In First Part Of 2022
Netflix has reported losing subscribers for the first time in more than a decade, citing password sharing and recently suspending its service in Russia for the loss of 200,000 subscriptions. What do you think?
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A Breakup Letter from the U.S. Government to Big Oil
I should have left you after the first oil spill.
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Author: Meghana Indurti, Lucia Whalen
Coachella’s music fan fave Do LaB is back!
Coachella is back after being shuttered by the pandemic. We take a look at the Do LaB stage, created by three brothers, as a renegade event.
(Image credit: Juliana Bernstein)
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Author: Mandalit del Barco