Friend Maybe Bit Too Available After Having Baby

ROCHESTER, MN—Caught off guard by the new mother’s eagerness to make plans, sources confirmed Tuesday that local woman Elise Andersen was maybe a bit too available after having a baby. “I told her, ‘I totally get that you’re going to have your hands full for a while,’ and she sent me a link to an EDM-themed bar…

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Pope Francis Urges World To Respect Every Person’s Beliefs About Pizza Toppings

VATICAN CITY—Delivering an impassioned address from St. Peter’s Basilica to believers of all denominations across the globe, Pope Francis urged the world Tuesday to respect every person’s beliefs about pizza toppings. “I speak today to all peace-loving citizens of the world, imploring them to care for one another…

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Kamala Harris Spends Day Putting Together Keynote Presentation Of Reasons She Deserves Raise

WASHINGTON—After booking a conference room in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building to focus on the project, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly spent Tuesday putting together a Keynote presentation on reasons why she deserves a raise. “All right, I definitely want to get right away to the fact that I barely…

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