Extensive Knowledge Of McDonald’s Menu Deliberately Downplayed

BALTIMORE—Rapidly backpedaling after almost letting on more than he wished, local man Randall Morse deliberately downplayed his extensive knowledge of the McDonald’s menu to a coworker, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh yeah, they definitely still do Big Breakfasts with Hotcakes since… I mean, I think that’s true? Sorry,…

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Doe-Eyed Nation Outstretches Hands Toward Snarling, Barking Dog

WASHINGTON—Cooing while they stared doe-eyed at the “adorable pup,” Americans across the nation reportedly outstretched their hands Monday and ambled toward a snarling, barking 80-pound German shepherd that violently tugged on its chain. “Good doggie, what a friendly doggie, we love you doggie, you’re so nice—isn’t…

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