Al Michaels Confident He Would Completely Nail It If Player Died On Field

LOS ANGELES—Daydreaming about the heartbreaking moment that could secure his legacy as one of the all-time great broadcasters, NBC announcer Al Michaels confirmed Sunday that he was confident he would completely nail the call if a football player died on the field. “I’ve been doing this for 40 years; I’m ready for…

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Lions Fan Displays Supernatural Ability To Determine Every Draft Pick A Bust

NOVI, MI—Stunning friends and family with his inexplicable ability to divine the future, local Lions fan Barry Porter once again displayed his supernatural ability Sunday to determine every draft pick will be a bust with his prediction for new offensive tackle Penei Sewell. “Within minutes, he was saying, ‘This is…

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Americans Fondly Recall 9/11 As Last Time Nation Could Unite In Bloodlust

WASHINGTON—As they reminisced 20 years later about a devastating and historic national tragedy, Americans reportedly took note Saturday of how the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks were the last time the country was able to put aside its differences and stand united in a bloody, homicidal thirst for vengeance. “Nowadays,…

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