Report Finds Tobacco Industry Aware Of Harmful Effects Of Flicking Lit Cigarette Into Giant Trail Of Gasoline For Years

BETHESDA, MD—According to a new report released Friday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health, the tobacco industry knew about the harmful effects of flicking a lit cigarette into a giant trail of gasoline for years, but chose to remain quiet. “For decades, Big Tobacco knew that tossing just one lit…

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GOP Megadonor’s Bat-Wielding Goons Remind Clarence Thomas He Still Owes Him 500 Rulings

WASHINGTON—Casually sweeping a line of picture frames off an entryway table onto the floor with a crash, the bat-wielding goons of an anonymous GOP megadonor reportedly visited Clarence Thomas Friday to remind him that he still owes their employer 500 more rulings. “What’s the hold up, Clarence—did you forget we had a…

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Every Professional Sports Team Moves To Las Vegas

LAS VEGAS—Citing a favorable economic climate and a growing fanbase clamoring for more opportunities to watch games, every single professional sports team announced Friday that they are moving to Las Vegas. “We are excited to break ground on our new state-of-the-art football arena right in downtown Las Vegas and give…

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