Applicant Who Actually Faced Punishment For Sexual Assault Clearly Not Yale Material
NEW HAVEN, CT—Immediately dismissing the high school senior’s chances of acceptance after reviewing his record, Yale admissions officers reportedly decided Friday that an applicant who had actually faced punishment for committing sexual assault was clearly not Yale material. “We have a very high standard here at Yale,…
College Freshman Has Friend From Home Visiting Way Too Soon
GALESBURG, IL—Baffled by the unusual pace of their classmate’s social involvement, residents at a Knox College dormitory observed Friday that fellow student Andrew Witte had a friend from home visiting way too soon. “Well, okay. We’ve only been here a couple weeks, and Drew already has a high school buddy crashing in…
Sony Launching Retro PlayStation Classic In December
In the wake of the success of retro consoles like NES Classic, Sony will produce a miniature version of the original PlayStation for $99.99, which comes pre-loaded with 20 games, including Final Fantasy VII and Tekken 3. What do you think?
Man Who Just Beat Computer Solitaire Never Asked For Overwhelming Sensory Assault Of Victory Animation
UNION, KY—His eyes rolling back as the blinding light emanating from the display filled the room, local man Reeves Halko, his ragged voice barely audible over the deafening sound of cards shuffling faster and faster, confirmed Friday that he never asked for the overwhelming sensory assault of its victory animation.…
Will Monday Night Football Cut Jason Witten After The Analyst Went 0 For 65 While Talking?
Elon Musk’s Guide to Tomorrow: How to Fix Earth, and Also Leave It
Ricardo Angulo and Ben Solomon write a humorous missive in the voice of Elon Musk about fixing and leaving Earth.
Life Can Be A Mess, But So Is ‘Life Itself’
Life Itself, from the creator of This Is Us, launches two family stories on two different continents. It offers some lovely moments, but its grand ambitions are beyond its grasp.
(Image credit: jon pack/Stage 6/Amazon)
‘Colette’ Is A Thoroughly Modern Fille
Wash Westmoreland’s biopic of a French literary lioness is well-acted, gorgeously mounted and weighed down with incongruously modern speeches about sexuality and gender.
(Image credit: Robert Viglasky/Bleecker Street)
‘The House With A Clock In Its Walls’ Is An Eyesore
The exquisite atmosphere and sense of foreboding that made John Bellairs’ 1973 book a children’s classic gets discarded in favor of a relentless riot of jump-scares and visual noise.
(Image credit: Quantrell Colbert/Universal)