Michelle Obama Reveals Drone Warfare Played Large Part In Her And Barack’s Psychosexual Relationship

WASHINGTON—Recalling the uncontrollable erotic pleasure she experienced while watching her husband coordinate an airstrike, Michelle Obama revealed to reporters Monday that drone warfare played a large part in her and Barack Obama’s psychosexual relationship. “While my love story with Barack is incredibly complicated,…

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Surgeon General Warns Against Becoming So Lonely You Cry A Little When They Wash Your Hair At Salon

WASHINGTON—In response to the ongoing loneliness epidemic in the United States, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy warned Americans Monday that they should avoid becoming so lonely that they cry a little when someone washes their hair at the salon. “Whenever possible, we highly recommend preventing an escalation of any…

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Participation Trophy

Shouts & Murmurs by Simon Rich: The day you got me, I gazed at you from my gold-colored plastic podium as you pumped your fists in triumph. Then you read the engraved words: “If you had fun, you won.”

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Author: Simon Rich