National Spelling Bee Winner Disqualified After Being Given All 26 Letters Needed For Words In Advance

NATIONAL HARBOR, MD—In a sternly worded condemnation that took the 14-year-old to task for violating the rules to obtain an unfair advantage, the 2023 Scripps National Spelling Bee winner Dev Shah was disqualified Friday when it was confirmed he had received in advance all 26 letters needed to spell the words.…

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Embarrassed U.S. Excuses Itself From Asia Security Summit After Realizing America Not In Asia

SINGAPORE—Insisting that he didn’t know how they had made such a simple mistake, an embarrassed U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin reportedly excused himself from the Shangri-La Dialogue Asian defense summit Friday after realizing America was not in Asia. “Oh God, sorry about that, we’re not even in the right…

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Target Scales Back Pride Section To Single T-Shirt Saying They’d Do A Threesome With A Girl For Their Boyfriend’s Birthday

MINNEAPOLIS—Responding to conservative backlash over a large selection of offerings for the month of June, Target announced Friday that they would scale back their gay pride section to a single t-shirt, saying they’d do a threesome with a girl for their boyfriend’s birthday. “It’s a one-night-only thing, and we’ll…

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Boar’s Head Shows Off Chrome-Plated Concept Ham

NEW YORK—Showcasing what it touted as “the cutting edge of pork” to an audience of industry bigwigs and assorted VIPs, deli meat supplier Boar’s Head held an exhibition Friday to show off its new chrome-plated concept ham. “This visionary ham of the future gives you a conceptual understanding of where we’re headed,…

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Airbnb Bill Includes Survival Fee

PASADENA, CA—Noting that his initial booking didn’t say anything about the additional charge, local man Patrick Reyes told reporters Friday he was annoyed when his Airbnb bill included a survival fee. “What the hell, they just charged me $129.99 out of nowhere and said that unless I paid, I wouldn’t be allowed to…

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Historians Uncover New Evidence That Jesus Made Annoying Smacking Sound After Every Sip Of Wine

JERUSALEM—Shedding new light on the religious leader’s personal life, historians announced the discovery of new evidence Friday that suggests Jesus Christ made an annoying smacking sound after every sip of wine. “We’ve recovered a portion of a previously unexamined ancient text that details Jesus of Nazareth blessing…

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