Dalai Lama Agrees To Box Pope For Charity

LAS VEGAS—Promising the match would be the fight of the millennium, the Dalai Lama reportedly agreed this week to box Pope Francis for charity. “I’m calling out my longtime spiritual rival, the pope, for a 10-round, winner-take-all bout to raise awareness for mental health,” said His Holiness the Dalai Lama, who…

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CTA Announces Significant Delays Due To An Unconscious Fear Of Success Manifesting Through Self-Sabotage

CHICAGO—Making repeated announcements over the platform loudspeakers and within the agency’s tracking apps, the Chicago Transit Authority informed the public of significant delays Wednesday due to an unconscious fear of success manifesting through self-sabotage. “Commuters should plan to add upwards of 30 minutes to…

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Researchers Clarify Health Warnings Against Too Much Exercise Only Relevant To, Like, 6 Or 7 Americans Tops

HOUSTON—Stressing that in no way did the advisory apply to more than at most a “handful of freaks,” researchers at Rice University issued a report Tuesday clarifying that health warnings against too much exercise are only relevant to, like, 6 or 7 people. “Yeah, when we said it was possible to overdo exercise, we…

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