Knife-Wielding Tesla Kills Pedestrian

BOSTON—In an incident that sent shock waves across the automotive industry, a knife-wielding Tesla Model S reportedly killed local pedestrian Lucy Friedman Friday after pursuing her down a city street. “Based on data retrieved from the vehicle, the Tesla’s camera appears to have accidentally locked onto the…

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Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances

GALLOWAY, NJ—Cursing himself and sweating as he tried to eliminate all traces of what he’d done, embarrassed local man Chris Burnley was said to be frantically clearing his internet search history Friday after googling the New York Jets’ playoff chances. “Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you? No one can know…

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KitchenAid Unveils New Countertop Food Truck For Ordering Street Tacos From Convenience Of Home

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Calling the appliance a perfect addition to any kitchen, appliance manufacturer KitchenAid unveiled a new countertop food truck Thursday for ordering street tacos from the convenience of one’s home. “With KitchenAid’s new countertop food truck, home cooks of any level can open their cabinet, place an…

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