‘That’s Going To Be So Good Later,’ Says Woman Smashing Foil Into Ball Around Wet Tortilla Edge, Single Remaining Bean

SAN DIEGO—Stopping herself from finishing the entire burrito in one sitting, local resident Danielle Gerardo was overheard Wednesday saying, “That’s going to be so good later,” as she smashed the foil wrapping into a tight ball around a nibbled, wet tortilla edge and the single remaining bean. “I’ll definitely be…

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Confused Russian Soldier Was Told Ukrainians Would Be Happy To Be Summarily Executed In Street

KYIV, UKRAINE—Noting the strange discrepancy between reality and his expectations, local Russian soldier Aleksander Kozlov was reportedly confused Tuesday after being told Ukrainians would be happy to be summarily executed in the street. “I’m just a little taken aback, because we were told that the Ukrainian people…

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