Freak Actually Knows How Big An Acre Is

TOWSON, MD—Drawing looks of scorn, terror, and bewilderment, local freak Adam Campbell demonstrated that actually knew how big an acre is, shocked sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s 43,560 square feet,” said the 31-year-old absolute fucking weirdo, who put friends ill at ease as he answered what was originally posed as…

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Starstruck Man Can’t Think Of Anything To Say To Cruise Ship Hypnotist In Breakfast Buffet Line

ATLANTIC OCEAN—Trembling as it dawned on him that he would only have one chance and was about to botch it, starstruck man Bill Sampson reportedly couldn’t think of anything to say to the cruise ship hypnotist in the breakfast buffet line. “My first thought was to say ‘Hey, great job last night, you really took our…

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