Study Finds Dating Apps Most Effective Way To Find Everyone Your Age Apparently Kayaking Now

ANN ARBOR, MI—In what researchers are calling a significant cultural shift in the way young people are forging new social bonds, a new University of Michigan study revealed Monday that modern dating apps have become the single most effective way for individuals to determine that everyone in their age group was now…

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Author: The Onion

Mom Still Seething Over Car That Blew Through Stop Sign 15 Years Ago

AUGUSTA, GA—Tightening her grip on the steering wheel as she approached the notorious intersection, local mom Helen Schumacher was reportedly still seething Monday over a car that blew through a stop sign 15 years ago. “It was so inconsiderate—they clearly saw me,” said Schumacher, who furrowed her brow and shook her…

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Author: The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

Study Finds Leading Cause Of Childhood Obesity Witches Fattening Up Children To Be Eaten

ATLANTA—Urging parents to learn about the dangers lurking in the enchanted forest, a new study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found Monday that the leading cause of childhood obesity was malevolent witches fattening up children with an intention to eat them. “Our findings show that more and more…

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Author: The Onion

To My Relatives

Shouts & Murmurs by Jack Handey: If you are reading this, I am dead. Please have me cremated. Then form the ashes into the shape of me. Then deep-fry me. Then bury me with full military honors.

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Author: Jack Handey