Devlin Hodges, who took the majority of the first-team reps in practice, will start at quarterback for the Steelers now that Mason Rudolph (concussion) has been ruled out.
International Roundup: Uninspiring England Fall to Czech Republic as Portugal Thump Luxembourg
Middle School Boy Assumes Crush Staring Into His Eyes During Slow Dance Waiting For Him To Make Fart Noises With Hands
LANSING, MI—Encouraged by what he interpreted as “pretty strong signals,” 12-year-old middle school student Brian Foster assumed Friday that Rebecca Saunders, his longtime crush who had spent his middle school’s homecoming dance staring into his eyes, must obviously be waiting for him to make a series of fart noises…
‘At Least Someone’s Getting Pregnant,’ Reports Mother-In-Law Watching News Story About Child Brides
ITHACA, NY—Watching a new story about the legal loopholes that allow underage American girls to be married off to much older men who have impregnated them, local mother-in-law Cindy Dearborne was overheard muttering to herself Friday that at least someone out there was having a baby. “She may be young, but it’s nice…
PG&E Makes Amends For Power Outages By Pumping Wires Full Of So Much Electricity That Plugging In Lamp Will Kill You
SAN FRANCISCO—In response to recent criticism by residents frustrated by the planned blackout, Pacific Gas and Electric Company officials vowed Friday to make amends for power outages by pumping wires full of so much electricity that even plugging in a lamp would instantly kill you. “If you want power so bad, we’ll…
2 Associates Of Giuliani Indicted On Campaign Finance Charges
Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, two important witnesses for the ongoing impeachment inquiry, have been arrested on charges related to helping the president’s lawyer Rudolph Giuliani to encourage Ukraine to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. What do you think?
Ex-teammate: Cousins ‘weakest part’ of Vikes O
Eagles linebacker Zach Brown says quarterback Kirk Cousins is the “weakest part” of the Vikings offense, an opinion he began forming when the two were teammates in Washington.
Coaches 1-for-21 on PI challenges since Week 3
NFL coaches have been successful once in past 21 challenges of pass interference.
Dear Pepper: The Art of the Comeback
Liana Finck illustrates her monthly advice-column comic ,“Dear Pepper,” with suggestions for dealing with passive-aggressive comments.
Trump Flees Government Oppression By Relocating Administration To Remote Cabin Compound In Mountains Of Idaho
PRAIRIE, ID—Trading the White House for a few small buildings in a remote wooded area only accessible by ATV, the Trump administration has fled government persecution and retreated to an off-the-grid cabin compound in the Idaho mountains, sources confirmed Friday. “This is the way Americans were meant to live,”…